Terrible Ride + Errand Runner

Sent off my mom, bro + wife, grandma, Aunt Shirley and Uncle Low to LCCT for their flight to Cambodia this morning. I was at the back seat of my uncle's Wish, along with my friend who has an important mission - to escort me back from LCCT! Nah, the elders were a bit restless if I'm driving on my own back home from LCCT so I've dragged her along in the early of the morning. My bro was behind the wheel. Why it was a terrible ride? Thank God that we did not have our breakfast, both me and my friend. Otherwise, we would be throwing up all over the car. It was like riding a speedboat. @_@

Had our 'free' breakfast at the airport before heading back at around 2pm. Honestly, when I was behind the wheel, it felt nice! Managed to go past 140km/h steadily and doesn't feel like 140 at all. xD Imagine going that speed driving my Myvi or bro's Jazz... @_@

Feel damn sleepy but had to run those last-minute errands for them - cash payment @ Citibank, Jalan Ampang and cheque deposit @ Maybank. >_< There was a huge congestion in from of Sheraton Imperial. Then we discovered a TFT monitor and a cartoon VCD, The Three Stooges (老夫子). I must admit, I got a bit distracted watching it while driving.. Hahaha xD So nostalgic~

Sorry

I do not know it can cause so much misery and hard feeling to people around because of a mere sharing. Maybe it is right that friends do not have the responsibility to share the weight of our burden. I should’ve considered about the consequences before do the telling. What has been done is most possibly something that can’t be undone. You have my deepest and sincere apologies for causing you so much trouble and misery.

This might be the moment when I’d appeared to be very stubborn but you are still standing by my side, listening. I’ve done something selfishly without considering your feeling. Sometimes, I’d wish we were not friends in the first place. At least it could be better for you or rather, all of us. You may think this is ridiculous. After all, I am a selfish person in the first place. ;-p

Sorry to have put anyone of you in an awkward situation.

Depressed

Browsing and reading through some of the local blogs and stumbled upon an entry of a girl who committed suicide. She plunged to her death from Wisma Commonwealth in Bukit Jalil. She had bipolar disorder since her parent divorced in the 11ish. Rest in peace and may God bless her soul.

So, what the heck is bipolar disorder? I've realised how useful Google and Wikipedia is.

Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric condition defined as recurrent episodes of significant disturbance in mood. These disturbances can occur on spectrum that ranges from debilitating depression to unbridled mania. Individuals suffering from bipolar disorder typically experience fluid states of mania, hypomania or what is referred to as a mixed states in conjunction with depressive episodes. These clinical states typically alternate with a normal range of mood. The disorder has been subdivided into Bipolar I, Bipolar II and cyclothymia, with both Bipolar I and Bipolar II potentially presenting with rapid cycling.

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include: persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation and/or hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference, depersonalization, loss of interest in sexual activity, shyness or social anxiety, irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause), lack of motivation, and morbid/suicidal ideation.

(read full text here)

For a period of time, I went through depression but it was not that serious until it entitled me a thought for committing suicide. I valued life and I respect it! (Note: it doesn't mean I'm condemning the last decision she made) My case, it's more like a season thingy. My depression mode would be switched on during a certain period of the year. Sad to say, if you do notice my previous entries, I think I'm in that mode already. ;-p

Ending own life is definitely not the right way to iron things out. Suicide needs a lot of courage. Why not use that courage to face those problems and find the solutions? Sometimes, things are easier said than done. In the end, no one will be able to help other than ourselves.

Value life.
Cherish life.
Respect life.

I Feel

I feel muted.
I feel isolated.
I feel depressed.
I feel conflicted.
I feel tired.
I feel confused.
I feel rejected.
I feel miserable.
I feel sorry.
I feel lost.
I feel helpless.
I feel worthless.
I feel hopeless.

But...

I feel blessed - to have a group of great friends,
I feel fortunate - to have met you,
I feel comfortable - being with you,
I feel grateful - for being around when I needed you.

Thank you to you-know-who-you-are.

Re-training?

It's 5 in the morning. Yes, I am still pretty awake at the moment. What can I do? Hmm, I have flipped through my photo albums and spotted those old-fashioned-looking class photo during my secondary school time. Also found a few taken during a demonstration during school's sport day. Looked pretty cool donning the uniform. \^o^/ That reminded me of a former junior of mine in our school's taekwondo club. We bumped into each other one day and he brought up the idea of getting back to training and perhaps take part in competition. I have been thinking about that since starting college but I am very, very reluctant to join that stupid club again.

Just a brief introduction to whoever reading this and feel clueless of what I am saying. The school's club was (not sure if it still is) under an external training academy (I called it this way to differentiate from club) which recruit students from schools nearby. Majority of the members were from Kepong Baru - with the most black belts, won the most medals and they happened to be the most cockiest bunch of arrogant idiots. They are the academy master's and instructors' favorite.

Back to the topic. That was why I said reluctant. Discussed with this junior for a while. I asked him to scout for training centers nearby and ask some of the former members if they are interested in getting back. If you get enough of people, I might consider about it. Well, what's the point of getting back when it's not enough of people, right? Another thing to consider - it has been 7 years since I've dropped from training. I'd guess my joints will be too rusty to even get a basic front kick, will they? o_O

(2000) The demo team

Ah.. my uniform and belt.. ^_^

A Mouse Parable

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

Morale of the story:
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

"We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another."

First Day Of My Life

view video

So I found the reason to stay alive
Try a little harder see the other side
Talking to myself, too many sleepless nights
Try to find a meaning to this stupid life

I don't want your sympathy
Sometimes i don't know who to be

[Chorus:]
Hey, what you’re looking' for?
No one has the answer, they just want more
Hey who's gonna make it back?
This could be the first day of my life

So I found the reason to let it go
Tell you that I’m smilin', but I still need to grow
Will I find salvation in the arms of love?
Will it stop me searching?
Will it be enough?

I don't want your sympathy
Sometimes I don't know who to be

Chorus

The first time to really feel alive
The first time to break the chain
The first time to walk away from pain

Chorus

Hey, what you're looking' for?
No one has the answer, they just want more (ooh, yeah)
Hey, who's gonna shine a light?
This could be the first day of my life

New Beginning

Got myself a new Mel C's latest album and had been listening to a particular song titled "The Moment You Believe" (video). As I've mentioned in the previous posts recently, a lot of things happened and prompted me to re-evaluate a lot of things around me.

It's a sudden thought of starting a new me. Forget and leave everything behind. Well, it's easily said and I've yet to get the courage to do so.

The Moment You Believe
Time to face what you're hiding from
Don't have to do this on your own
Together we are strong
We don't need anyone
No matter what they say
The time has come

I'm ready now to start a new beginning
With all our hopes and all our dreams
And I know the stars will shine for you and for me
From the moment you believe

I know they think that I'm no good for you
But we both know that they're wrong
Together we can fight
Show everyone we're right
I don't care what they say
Our time has come

I'm ready now to start a new beginning
With all our hopes and all our dreams
And I know the stars will shine for you and for me
From the moment you believe

When you believe there's nothing you can't overcome
When you believe the earth is brighter than the sun

I believe
(When you believe there's nothing you can't overcome)
(I believe)

I'm ready now to start a new beginning
With all our hopes and all our dreams
And I
I know the stars will shine for you and for me
From the moment you believe x2

Birthday

Birthdays are special occasions. It is the one day in a year when you can do no wrong and are made a fuss of and receive beautifully wrapped presents.

Birthdays can also be unofficially known as judgement day. It is the one day when we face many invisible juries, and with each "Happy Birthday!" wish received, we know we most likely have passed muster.

The closest to us will usually ring or text us at the stroke of midnight with streams of birthday wishes. If our phones remain silent and our mailboxes stay empty, well, then, it is the truest reflection of what people really think of us.

With the superior technology that we have these days, it is not difficult to make someone's birthday unforgettable.

- quoted from article "The Significance of Birthdays" by Xandria Ooi (The Star's Metro 18 July 2007)

The birthday celebration that I remembered most was the one I had on my 9th birthday. Forgot who brought up the idea, a few of my classmates were invited, family members and also neighbor's children. Had a few rounds of game specially "crafted" by my cousins, wonderful foods. After that, birthdays were usually celebrated with my parent and brother at home.

Celebrating friends' birthdays sound interesting but it not when celebrating my own. Perhaps I'm not used to getting so much attention from so many people. I would be very happy enough receiving text messages or even calls wishing me "Happy Birthday!" At least I know there are people who remember my birthday!

Alone

I have been made to realised one thing - communication is something very complicated and very hard to learn. Maybe it's not my thing after all.

Various things happened and I've beginning to consider a lot of stuffs. Future plans. Whether I have the guts to proceed with these plans or not is still a question that I've yet to get an answer.

Feel that nobody understand me. Part of the reason - I don't let people to understand me, some might says.

To you:

How I'd wish that you were here...

From me.

So, I think I'd be better left alone. ;-p

Better Alone

I understand your point of view letting me go
But I thought you had more faith
Everything I've done for you
You made the mistakes and now you throw this in my face
And I have worked so hard for you all of this time and you cast me aside
I understand your point of view

But I can't seem to get my head around
All the things that I feel good about always seem to disappear
And every time I think I've got this all worked out
Something chews me up and spits me out
But there's nothing left to fear
I'm better alone my dear

You couldn't pick a better time to give me the news
Why don't you kick me when I'm down?
I'd always believed in you
Defended your name but you have not been true
I gave you so much of my life I've compromised and you tell me goodbye
You couldn't pick a better time

And I can't seem to get my head around
All the things that I feel good about always seem to disappear
And every time I think I've got this all worked out
Something chews me up and spits me out
But there's nothing left to fear
I'm better alone my dear

I know I really should thank you for setting me free
It's really amazing the changes I'm starting to feel
It's not gonna be long till I'm fit and strong
Deliverance helped me heal still I wonder if you ever wish you still had me

Will I ever get my head around
All the things that I feel good about that always seem to disappear
When every time I think I've got this all worked out
Something chews me up and spits me out
But there's nothing left to fear
No No No

I can't seem to get my head around
All the things that I feel good about that always seem to disappear
No No

And every time I think I've got this figured out
Something screws me up and drags me down
But there's nothing left to fear
I'm better alone my dear

Bad Day Today

It's not a very good day for me today.

Last night was terrific - at Yike's wedding dinner. Although we did not get ourselves drunk that night since the bridegroom were so busy serving his friends and relatives + everyone need to work the next day. xD

This morning got up. Felt the heat, heavy head. After coming back from lunch, worst - sore throat! A while later - flu!

I feel like dying~ @_@